DEFY GRAVITY.
you know i really did like The Wizard of Oz..and this..this was amazing.
This is the next book on my list..

and the song "defying gravity" is my new favourite song. i love it so much it's everything i feel.
and i know that you shouldn't do that because it just elevates ur emotions..but it really does. but it's a positive song. it really is.
defy gravity everyone.
that means..that:
-3 years is enough and it's time to let go.
-stop letting this hold me back
-don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened
-nothing is final. gotta have faith
-everyone deserves a chance to fly..and if i'm flying solo...at least i'm flying free
-no more tears. i'm a big girl
-growing up isn't an option
-don't deface it...embrace it..
-that even though I miss you so much..and my heart aches everytime i think about you...i'm ok

i've almost let go...

DEFY GRAVITY

long road ahead. i'm so lost and i odn't really know what's up with me. i really thought i was over you...both of you lol. and i know to a reader that sounds really stupid. but that's what happens kids, when you "move on" without really moving on..

and then when that time comes and you make those realizations...you just kinda....feel...well you don't really feel anything. it's more of a numbness.

but it hurts and i don't know what to do. because it's so messed up and all i wanna do is cry..even though i know this is best...it wasn't just one sided. i've felt this way for awhile now and I don't know.it just hit harder..even harder than i thought it would. but i gotta get through this. God's providing me with a path where I can just me. And that's all i wanted. So i gotta be thankful. It hurts A LOT...i still can't believe that it's like this. I really thought that i'd be able to take it a lot better than i did. I didn't mean to cry...and what's worse is that it's between two people. neither know that i feel this way...anymore anyway. and im just sorry.

to you:
3 long years and nothing to show for it. What's up with that? I mean at least we share the same feelings about how this is going. And while it hurts that we ever had to come to this conclusion. It's what will stop our hearts from hurting. Cuz I'm tired of hurting. And I know you are too. So in ways that's why i'm okay with all of this. I'll be happy after this. Time...time and trust in God. You know me..and where I wanna be in life. And while this hurts...this situation will help me get there. I know it. And so I wanna thank you..for being honest. And i want you to know how thankful i really am that despite the arguments and the scars...we can still be straight up with each other.
Take care of yourself. I'll always have a place in my heart for you..

You:
I just wish that you would open your eyes and see that what you've been looking for is right in front of you. It's so frsutrating to see this. And while you think you know exactly how you feel and don't wanna get any lines crossed why do i see that same look in your eyes when you look at me? And why do u still give me butterflies. Even when I can't stand you. I just wish that things weren't so complicated and that you weren't so blind. It hurts a lot. That eveyrone else sees it. And don't get me wrong, if this change again, it's not gonna be a bed of roses...u'd have to work..but that's only fair..after..well, you know. Coming my way has always been the difficult route..i think you're just scared and ur just trying to maintain stability. So if that's it..and if i have to let you go..i wil do so and God will help me..
but don't forget faith with no action is no faith at all.
have a lil faith in me..

goodnite kids...
have fun trying to decode that one

funny....

funny how you tell people you aren't fake. funny how you make yourself to be the most proper and perfect example of a "Christian". funny how you act like the world revolves around you. funny how you like to twist things. funny how some things you say don't include explanation...

why is it funny? funny because you come to church every sunday and expect that to make u Christian. funny how you act one way around certain people and completely different when you can hide behind your precious computer screen...funny how you complain about people ignoring you...when was the last time u came to say hi to us? that's what i thought...funny how you take a situation and turn it around so it looks like an attack on you. funny how you harbour so much anger and yet we find no reason to why it's even there....

i'm not the best person and i'm not the "perfect Christian"...we all go through our struggles..and we get angry..but u hold grudges and i don't understand it. it's upsetting and frustrating at the same time. u know, i won't deny, i didn't talk to you as much as i probably could have but quite honestly..when was the last time i saw you without your "other half" when you weren't fighting? it's not exactly simple.

to the other: some of the things you say are appaling. you had NO right to say what you said no matter how long ago it was said. i can't believe you honestly found it in you to accept that role wen u seem to think so poorly of what IS the majority of the group. but that's ok...i have unconditional love and God blessed me with the ability to forgive. That still doesn't give u reason to say what u said.

You are both surprising....wut can i say? i will never try to change you...i will never confront you unless the problem is with me...other than that, u live ur life n i'll live mine...i'll be praying for you though..

I'm sorry for being so blah about things....I'm sorry I seem so useless...and I'm sorry I don't act like I'm at all interested in this occasion...but truth be told..I'M NOT.

I'm completely dreading it and I'd much rather be in my bed feeling sorry for myself..pathetic huh?  Well, to be quite honest, I'm tired, and bitter and I'm not up to having as much fun as you'd probably want me to have. But you know what? For you? I will try. I will try to make up for that nite that I made you really upset. I will remember everything you've done for me.  And I'll think about your hard work.  I will think about the late nite spent worrying, the added stress of the feeling like the whole world just wants a piece of you.

I will thank God everyday that you are as strong as you are. I will pray that I may be that way towards others. I will be inspired by your attitude in personality as I see the Lord shine through your actions.  I will appreciate what you've done and what you will do.  I will be sensitive to your needs as you are to mine. I will be extra cautious with what I say because I know that you are sensitive.

I will love you with the same unconditional love that you have for me.  I will do this all to the best of my ability because you deserve it.

I LOVE YOU MOMMY!